Someone recently told me they knew that I had enrolled on something only after a great deal of thought as it had involved a lot of money for my budget. I laughed and said so you think I’m some kind of cheapskate or miser then.
I thought they’d just laugh with me but they stopped the conversation from veering off in to the absurd by telling me that was the last thing they would ever think of when it came to my use of money and wanted me to know that my ability to live on very little income but to be so obviously thrilled by what I see as a rich and hugely prosperous life had given them much to think about over the time we have known each other.
I was told I was careful with money but that didn’t include the word mean rather it constantly seemed that I could always give money to someone or somebody’s when it was needed. But, that when I spent money on myself it was usually with more of a purpose than to just buy stuff. Don’t get me wrong we both knew we were talking about 10’s of pounds not 100’s though that has happened and I have not lived to regret either scenario.
I really did laugh at this and pointed out I was not some saint and bought stuff just like everyone, though I did admit that I have seriously been thinking about that in the last few months, but that is for another wander:0)
After we parted I sat and considered what the rest of the conversation had held for me as I had been genuinely surprised that my way of living had been so noted by this person, as to my eyes my life is less than shining example of anything save that of bloody-minded-chin-out-perseverance and didn’t see that in the top ten bestseller list of ‘Lives to Emulate.
Something else was said which has been said before but this time I probably heard and considered it. I was told with pointed laughing finger that it wasn’t so much that I was careful with money more I always had huge intent when I handed it over. In fact you have huge intent and intensity full stop was what was said. At this point we both laughed a lot and I realised it was meant as a compliment which after many years of being told this in one way or another was startling because in truth this was the first time I really heard it like this.
I have thought about it since the conversation and have come to realise a few things. Yes I am careful with money not because I am scared of not having enough or having too much, or the responsibility it gives me, or its filthy associations etc.
Money is the tool that the world has seemingly decided is the oil to keep all the wheels turning so why try to beat that when you can join it and in small ways make damned sure that those wheels are not destined to roll over life willy-nilly and when they are, well, a small spanner never costs that much money and just think all those small spanners would need someone to make them who might not have employment otherwise:0)
Money is not onerous of itself it is just a manifestation of energy neither good nor bad so my responsibility is just to acknowledge that. Yes I do think I hold a ‘time bomb’ in my hands but its explosion can be as benign as the ‘explosion’ of a puff ball in this autumnal season. As the puff ball explodes new life is carried on the breeze to spread as the earth sees fit. The Earth seems rather more sensible and able than me so I see no reason not to enjoy the magic that money can weave both for myself and others but like the puff ball I accept that the multiplication of itself is not about creating vast numbers but of accepting one plus one is a huge number when they both stand tall, grow and become.
As I considered what I had heard in the conversation with a friend I remembered a time almost forty years ago, which seems a good way to explain how I see the worrying about having too little or too much money to this day.
I have known time when picking up discarded leaves, bruised fruit and vegetables at the end of a markets day was a regular pastime but from that experience I learnt how to make a fabulous array of soups and sauces discovered the joys of spices and herbs some of which I could ‘acquire’ on walks through city parks and found much kindness as well as the occasional new swear word as market traders would drop a perfect fruit in my basket as I passed and smile or throw a squashed tomato my way and hiss.
I always made a mental note of who had interacted with me, good or bad, and began to say thank you with cups of soup poured from a huge ancient thermos I had found thrown away at the market one day – there was nothing wrong with it except it had no cup.
It was always interesting the reaction I got as I never asked if they wanted a cup but attached a luggage label with a small, hopefully funny, message of thanks to china cups I had found in a charity shop where I volunteered, they had no saucer so were consigned to box for landfill so I was able to take what I wished with their blessing.
I chose the times I appeared on cup missions carefully, depending on the soup I had made and time of year. No one ever threw the soup in my face and I never waited round for a thanks or taste test report just smiled and wished them a gentle day as I walked away.
Eventually after many weeks went by one of the guys stopped me as I gathered leaves and fruit and asked what I wanted for the soup, he had been a thrower of tomatoes at one time, I explained nothing except for his enjoyment and a warm glow that might translate to a smile on his face.
I did wonder if I was about to be punched as he lunged towards me but instead he grabbed my hand and jammed a stuffed envelope in my hand saying with a broad grin on his face, ‘My old Mum would have liked you she liked ballsy girls’.
I laughed and looked at the envelope which was sealed but as I wondered what to do, my new ‘friend’ informed me it was OK there was a luggage label inside, grinned, and turned on his heels and was gone. I stood for a moment and then realised I would be being watched so put the envelope unopened in my pocket and hugged myself and said thank you loud enough for those near to hear and walked away smiling, feeling like a millionaire.
When I finally opened the envelope I really did think I was a millionaire because there was a luggage label addressed to Miss No-name with message plus an oxo cube and £40. This was not an inconsiderable amount for anyone back in the early 70’s and for me it was more than two weeks income.
With it I purchased numerous boxes of tea and packets of sugar plus the ingredients to make a few boiled fruitcakes two of which I added to the tea and sugar parcel, one I put in a tin for me and one I sliced up carefully and wrapped each half slice with greaseproof and tied it up with string and luggage label that simply said thank you keep smiling. Then I purchased a long distance bus ticket and delivered the parcel to a group of people who thought they too were millionaires when they opened it. I had included £10 in their parcel as I knew that would be multiplied ten fold by their ability to give other people reason to smile.
At the end of my ‘adventure’ I was greeted by stall holders at end of day London market as a mate even if they never knew my name, I had learnt a great deal about the science of soup making, but most of all I understood clearly increasing the possibility and pleasure of money meant never taking it for granted but also never worrying overly if at first there might not seem to be enough as given generosity and creativity plus letting go of any preconceived or ‘normal’ notions of wealth or poverty then a rich, joy filled life is more than a possibility it becomes more certain every time someone smiles, which includes the rent milk and gas man:0)
Years later the commitment and promise I made then has been added to but first and foremost the commitment and promise hasn’t changed and has always been to my self finding today it’s encapsulated in the wee phrase that echoes through each of my days…
In Me, For Me, With Me, Through Me, LOVE.
Yes I know that love won’t pay the bills but on so many levels it does, note I do not say my love as in partner or parent or some divinity but love as in the smile of a stranger or the unexpected kind word or the laughter of a child, or the sharing and giving without thought of reward and on and on. I don’t see a limit to love so to my mind there is no reason to concern myself overly with worry of too little or too much money because if my need is really a need it will be met financially.
But as a coda I will say, this is not a passive activity but an intense passionate often obsessive energy which can in my life only be translated in to commitment and promise to myself that what wit, creativity, bloody-mindedness, knowledge I have been given or obtained needs to be honed, cherished and exercised to offer possibility to find love multiplying my possibility of wealth on all levels and money is just a level not THE level.
So yes I do think about whether I will spend £60 to help me with my commitment to act on an insight I gained about food, fasting and fragile Earth and the life it supports but after considering the experts and library I would have access to for a year if I paid the £60 and looking at what I could do with that for my self the decision was made and acted on without a backward glance and weeks later I have learnt a great deal already, put some of that knowledge to good use and have looked further at my motivation / need and find it has guided me well and is being met by outcomes that feed my spirit whilst giving me joy in preparing food to lay at one place setting or more.
And as I remind myself, through each day, it may begin In Me but it only continues Through Me.