ceasing to believe is not an
option neither is continuing to question
joy found on freezing
hillside wondering what next knowing it is an answer
the rhythm of slowly active
day with more emphasis on slow than active
half day spent controlling
pain and need to puke wrapped in blanket sat outside
breathed deeply watched birds
threw ball for Rhys let Banon lean on me smiled
felt enormity of situation
found a moment to rejoice about let the rest go
papers phone calls washing
sorted not sorted continuance without containment
discovering answers that mean
nothing except more questions to be found in me
5am sitting listening to the
night beginning to roll in to morning
transformation from dark to
light so natural it happens daily as soft rhythm
chill wind no rain smidgen of
sun line full of hopeful washing garden full of birds
watching the sun set behind
the hill casting long shadows on running dogs
exhausted by hours spent with
escalating pain contorting flesh squeezing breath
comforted by words in mindless
repeat finding mind full with graceful silence
dark is too bright steps too
long ceiling falls doors waver floors slip
breathing is too loud tap
water too fierce clothes strangle and trap
so much waiting so far from
sleep ease rest too much
breath the words in my head
find the rhythm ignore the gnaw relax
greet morning with very
tentative steps blue sky sun day lifts heart hurts head
wrapped in blanket and visor
I sit on the yard knowing how lucky I am to be here
lay watching moon as day
light grew blue tit busy chasing breakfast in the tree
considered day ahead giving
time to each thought letting go of must or should
beautiful clear blue sky sun
filled very cold day laying itself out before me
sense of expansive
possibility as if the Earth itself is taking long slow breaths
rescuing bathroom from days
of rampage pillage puke Boudicca’s nothing to me
finding ease in finally
finding myself standing in shower midst gleaming bathroom
looking forward not good when
one cannot feel feet better check downward
reaching out seems foolish if
reaching in has not found resources
planning without thought
movement without balance chaos in the making
sitting quietly midst
birdsong buds and bright sky reality peace meaning
pen ink paper merge past
present future marks form meaning dream hope wish
choice effect outcome dice made thrown ignored move on by standing still
rain came with fresh glistening insistence sun endeavoured to stay but was called away
meetings phone calls all about decisions futures this moment felt strained and drained
began to carry up and down stairs once again body complaint department very vociferous
no tall blue eyed Viking goddess to the rescue so this old bag lady just carried on alone
corn seed peanuts meal worms
soy milk onions newspaper sack and bag morning
painkillers neoprene supports
hot water bottle afternoon building shelves evening
triumphs not shared must be
savoured carefully and held gently in the heart
rhythms begin to be glimpsed
yet still much to realise before the beat is balance
discovering foundation was
never swept away completely in the tumult
finding possibility sitting
waiting only an arms length away gently stretching
why does one bag moved
involve ten others also needing movement
floor shelf wall space only
to be wiped out along with me but there IS progress.
solid ground is not something
to depend on or expect neither is soft landing
no matter how often it
happens the awake puking at 2am scenario still shocks
body reverberates for the
following many hours and mind catcalls and shrieks
breathing slowly, holding a
spool and wool smiling letting go and swearing my life
lamp light tracing rain
running down window pane low cloud early morn
quantum leap across imagining
to reality of books shelved fabric folded
two incredulous dogs standing
at open kitchen door deciding rain not their forte
grey low cloud rainy day
settled us all in for a day of rest snoozing sewing soup
sitting listening to the
ticking clock smiling at the snores from content dog
writing sewing thinking
breathing a day to recover renew realise the moment
another slow day except for
flights to bathroom extra meds filling hot water bottle
stood in shower thankful
again for instant hot water knowing once more I am rich
considering connections
between lives and life between heart and soul
what is relevant to this
moment, to this place , to this self creating meaning
listening to the wonders of
dusk bird song spotting the first stars feeling joy
forward can be found if one
knows where feet are planted what heart desires
early morning spring moment
of clear horizon fresh air lambs bleating cold feet
rain arrived low cloud
descended washing came in to decorate the kitchen
wood smoke hanging over the
valley caught by low cloud to fill in the grey
song thrush pierces the gloom
with its lightening bolts of purest sound
rain falls heavily whipped up
the valley by insistent wind birds shiver but sing on
curling up with dogs hot
water bottle slipping into pain free void for a moment
raising head from paper loud
retort neck cracks a lightening bolt out of my eye
facing reality brings no
laughter but peace comes aware it only ever is a moment
conversations decisions
questions and more questions where is the hand to hold
wandering in ever muddier
circles catching glimpses of light as grey descends
remarkable for one thing
breathing memorable for one thing being now
extra ordinary for one thing
a core of steel composed of tissue paper shreds
layers beyond understanding
left today only the moment needed attention
it’s been a long journey
getting here he said tired but seemingly at peace finally
difficult being far away hugs
laughter companionable silence in person needed
a voice is a gift thankfully
shared but eyes in the same room wish not yet fulfilled
transforming takes only love
but this does feel such a very long word to express
understanding it will only
take a lifetime of lifetimes brings smile in the moment
sound movement light scents
all overwhelming undermining underscoring reality
creating alternative universe
puking the rest away then rising to meet my heart
an hour of valley peace for
an early riser birds and beasts who follow no clock
the sun continues its passage
through the sky without need for tick or tock
the moon circles beyond then
in view needing no alarm or pip to impel its rising
a day is as long as it is no
matter tinkering life is as long as life no matter what
no sleep two major
appointments long drive heavy rain spring day little bounce
nudge finds skill not
remembered makes others safe sadness I can’t nudge myself
peeling garlic slicing
mushrooms chopping onion the basis for delight in a bowl
heavy rain sweeping up the
valley spy chatty sparrows sheltering in shrubbery
temperature drops as spring
progresses in bud count canoodling birds longer light
hope late frost does not pay
us a visit as apple blossom lost out for last two years
an open invitation she said
we smiled but knew I’ll never manage the journey
distance does not break
connection it focuses on the good notices loss breaths
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