Solstice and Silence
So. the shortest day of light arrived midst low cloud and heavy drizzle here but the sense of anticipation was not dimmed. No journey up to the top of the mountain this year for me and in truth not even a glimpse of the golden orb but the low cloud did brighten:0) and the wee robin in my garden greeted the change from night dark to day light with their best song, soon joined by thrush and blackbird plus tits and finches galore. As I filled the bird tables in what was still a damp gloom to my eyes the woodpecker and nuthatch arrived dressed in their party best immediately making me realise the light was indeed returning and was more than reason enough to smile.
There was no partying that went on here but much celebration and thanks for the day and the moment.
A time for thought,a time for silence to listen to heart and mind and a time to consider future days walking in to the light. On the day when the sun seeming to have packed its bags begins its slow plod back the promise of its return tugs mind and heart in to thanks for the glimmer of illumination never really lost beyond the horizon forever.
For me, friends are the sun that illuminates my life though like the Winter Solstice sun my friends may seem to be far off dipping beneath the horizon, lost to my eyes, to my heart and mind they are always a present energy;a gift of signpost and waymarker in the day to day journey I make.
Winter Solsice, a day to hold fast in the darkest dark to the promise of light. It's such a good day to cook special food, light candles and logs, watch for the first glimmer of light on the horizon and as its imperceptible growing becomes a new sunrise day to celebrate its life giving power by remembering friends held gently in my heart and mind and being most thankful for their presence.
The first two months of my personal calendar year could be said to have been 'challenging' and I have wondered if a whole year of such could be faced let alone lived through in any sort of positive way. As the day light has obviously diminished I have felt diminished somewhat too and admit that thoughts of another ten months seemed an awfully big mountain to plod up and frankly couldn't even begin imagine making the first step let alone doing it.
Slowly though, much like the imperceptible return of the light, as I have shuffled along stumbling a lot,sitting down unceremoniously in many a heap and appearing to be disappearing over my own personal horizon never to return I have begun to discover ways of leaning harder on my 'walking stick' making each small step a process not of physical fall and crawl but of heart and mind being still in silence.
A life of decisions and choices is one alive to the light I believe so given the amount of decisions and choices I have needed to make in the last two months I am glowing like Blackpool Illuminations me thinks:0)
Yesterday was a very good day, a day when I found myself joined by my wee 'family' of Rhys Banon and Flo with extended 'relatives' of wild birds in noting and celebrating the light. That I have a calendar year created by me that runs from November to October doesn't mean that I am not aware or touched by the calendar's that hang on my wall which highlight national high and holy days, to realise that as of now Britain in on a two week holiday so no good trying to contact anyone in a office till after the 5th of January!
My own calendar sees 'special' days in each of the twelve months of my year some allied to ancient way markers but all discovered in times of silence and listening as heart and mind slow to hear and understand what could help me to maintain focus on life and its living with a sense of rhythm and creativity. It's my map to plan each years journey and stopping off points to rest, rejoice and renew by connecting more conciously with the Earth without doing, digging or deciding, just moments to be.
It seems important to me to take energy, time and thought for those things I find precious and important. Much of that is about my relationship with this planet I can so easily take for granted and the relationship with the lives I come in to contact with be they known or strangers, human or animal. For me routine and day to day rhythm are fundamental to me being able to keep some sense of me being real. The four main Earth days of Winter and Summer Solstice plus Autumn and Spring Equinox are the axis my life turns on along with an ancient marker of 1st November as New Years day, they are the intensity of realisation that the Earth and I are linked through stardust that really does animate all life on this planet.
I hold on to friends with equal intensity and focus, for they are lives that make many more days special so thanks, celebration and commitment to friendship is pivotal to who, how and what of me and my life too. That the energy, time and thought brought to my friendships means challenge and choice are constants too... definitely challenging most of my friends would no doubt say:0) The intensity is not of the manacle and chain sort I hope rather I wish for and work towards an honesty of heart and clearness of mind that allows for love in many forms to be offered which will and does include NO.
I often don't get it right, human beyond measure that's me, but know that I can only be myself connected beyond knowing to all life on this planet, connected in knowing to a few particular lives.
The darkness of the past year has been alluded to here, sometimes with a little more information but always just the edge of a horrendously huge black shadow that has enveloped me so completely at times that any glimmer of light was lost to my mind and my heart found it difficult to beat given the tightness of this shadow.
Yesterday as I made concious effort to keep watch on the dark awaiting the first glimmer of light it was moment to accept just how very dark this particular year and life has been and to be so very grateful for the friends who understood, who accepted and embraced me in my whole messy state. For even in the chaos, mess and mayhem that such a large shadow can insist is the only option, I carried a glimmer of light unrecognised often by me but continually recognised by others who helped me understand through it all I have continued as a whole.
There were those who could not accept or even begin to see how much pain one small life was endeavouring to face and decided that the moment was just right to tell me what shit I was for not being as unquestioningly supportive as they demanded. Knowing me is to know that support comes but rarely without question:0)
That they might have for days months or years been someone whose take on life operated a kind of hoover system on any positive productive thought offered and that negative was their modus meant that this year I said ENOUGH. That anyone who leaves my life in whatever circumstances will continue to be remembered in times of silence and celebration is something I've found to be good and true for my life as no matter it being a parting of shared possibility or a parting of self preservation they have been a life that has touched mine and in whatever way that might have been positive or negative they are part of this whole.
As the new calendar year fast approaches I wish you a gentle transition from the old to the new. May 2009 be a year full of gifts and wonders none more precious or life changing than those lives you hold dearly in your heart and mind.
I wish you much laughter, love and living in the moment. May those moments be wrapped in light bringing you realisation of dreams, plans and your self.
I know that many - well they are few but seems a lot to me, who pop by here and read my rambles will be speeding towards Christmas Day in a state of panic or pure terror:0) so know you may read this after the feasting and merry making. My Christmas Day and Boxing Day are to be spent quietly here with great feeling that finally, yes really, my home has begun to feel like my home again and the disinfectant and dishcloth fairies will continue to dance:0) So whilst you sit around a laden table and try, vainly' to walk off the last 'little snack' I hope to be putting together shelving units, transferring books and boxes in to their new home and watching RnB delighting in becoming mudlarks in the garden... of course it'll still be raining here.
On Christmas Eve I am going to have lunch with 'THE man' then share Carols from Kings on the BBC with him whilst he opens his presents and sips on his Manns Brown Ale. I will then come home and light logs and candles before I feed RnB and we settle down for a quiet evening of radio. 'THE man' continues his journey but though physically and mentally he continues to lose ground he is now very much more himself than a year ago and told me quite 'clearly' that he'd not want me around this Christmas as he would be having dinner in the nice dinning room.
His physical care is very good, sometimes his social interaction makes life difficult for him and the carers but he seems more at peace than a year ago which makes me feel like maybe my particular job has been completed and a new one may evolve in the coming days. Stepping back, stepping away might seem strange to some but for me it seems just good and true and a return to something more real and normal for him and me. Both of us have journeys to make which do not have the other as companion but that does not mean we will not meet on the way from time to time:0) This time last year I was being told he was not going to see Boxing Day but I knew then as I do now he has things to 'do' and only when he finally feels able to accept the one and only promise never reneged on,that we all die, will he peacefully 'become' the dust he is formed from.
To him and those of you who celebrate Christmas I wish peace on earth and goodwill to all... to those of you who do not celebrate Christmas I wish peace on earth and goodwill to all :0)
