Daisies

A new month, a new beginning? No not really just the moment I feel able to sit at my desk and use a keyboard and face a screen. Because of all sorts of ‘life’ the screen and all else attached to it has been off limits to all intents and purposes but modern chemicals can be quite amazing:0) and here I am again tap, tap tapping.

So much has happened in the last few weeks let alone the last few months that my pen has done a great deal of scribbling even as the keyboard lay gathering dust – like much else in my home if the truth is told.

I do so love a pen and paper and just wish that this technology gave me the thrill that holding a fountain pen does but it doesn’t and on some deep level I suspect I am hoping and wishing it never will.

Watching ink flow from the pen on to paper and forming in to shapes that others too can understand – when the handwriting is not too out of control:0), is still magic as far as I am concerned and this technology is more hocus pocus not in the same league somehow.

But, a computer has opened doors on worlds, ideas and people I would never have bumped into with a pad in one hand and a pen in the other so I am pleased to be a computer person as well as a pen person, though one is still much more proficient than the other and will always find favour.

Having decided that today is the day to start blogging again I am wondering what I have to write. As always I have just sat down and faced a blank ‘page’ and begun, probably not the easiest way to offer something to read for others but my blogging has never been about carefully crafted and honed pieces of literature but always streams of consciousness that surprise and waken me to things and thoughts I hadn’t until the writing realised were within my grasp.

So, there will be no change to my blogging save for the fact that from here on I hope to be a far more regular poster than over the past year or so.

Never every day as life has too many elements away from the screen to put that kind of pressure on myself but in a lose way of daily if I am aware I have a moment and moment I wish to share in this way. A way of pinning myself down has yet to be found:0) but both this and the PKnM blog will see more activity from now on.

PKnM will become a password protected blog in the next week as I wish to make a record of other progress and possibilities on the health and fitness front that in honesty I wish only those people I ‘know’ personally to share in.

I’ll be looking for a few more flag wavers and cheerers on so the one or two who have kept me sustained with ‘keep going’ messages in the face of silence there will not be in such an echoing environment:0) Want to cheer me on, join in the laughter, contact me and I’ll pass on the word if we ‘know’ each other. If you are just passing then there is plenty here and on my other quiet but full blogs for you to share in:0)

PKnM will, I hope, be somewhere I can go to remind myself just what I have managed when I cannot remember getting out of bed let alone the wee programme I have built up for mindfully caring for my health as best as I can.

Though ‘the programme’ is about moving my body on a static bike etc it is also about resting, breathing meditation, silence and freedom to not get hung up on schedule and bells to remind it is such and such a time so I ‘must’ do this.

The rhythm of a day is different every day so too the capacity of my physical self to ‘ride’ through the day. Marrying the two is what is at the heart of many of the changes I have slowly been making over this last few weeks in particular but since January as a whole.

January ‘til June was mental reshape or at least an acceptance that the mind needed some space and time to breath and become aware of wholeness still within reach and still touched often but which was lamentably also swamped by many a years abuse.

What has and is going on is for my heart and sometimes for close friends ears but I have never seen the point in being a bleeding heart and though I see no reason to fabricate a happy-happy story I do believe absolutely that if the telling has no joy, no possibility, no light somewhere within it that the sharing is selfish, damaging and adds nothing to the wholeness of others and there is too much damage and destruction already raging through lives, communities and worlds for me to add my five penny worth.

If I were in a situation where there was no joy, possibility or light then someone who is trained to help me sift and sort until one or all three can be glimpsed again would I think be the way forward for they would have the support structures in place to help them leave my darkness, despair, distraught self behind them.

I would still see it as my responsibility to discover the lost joy, possibility and light but accept that a helping hand is good when one has fallen flat on ones face in the mire and are drowning by degrees. That this help needs to be safeguarded too seems common sense but I am amazed at how many people do not seem to consider how powerful effect their falling in to the mire can have on others and they spread their internal organs out like a tea time treat and wonder why others turn green:0)

I know that when the joy diminishes hugely, that possibility seems cruel joke and light appears to have been extinguished there is a long moment when lifting head up to even whisper help seems way beyond anything left within ones self but, there is always a but in my life :0), the spiral is such a beautiful shape that it need not always be down I have discovered.

The PKnM blog will give me a space to look at the spirals in my life and living, the ways and means I have evolved to live with them over my life ‘til this moment and the ideas and activities I am putting toe in water about now and in days to come. The wish is to swim rather than paddle but the awareness is that paddling is just fine too.

Asynchronous Process will continue with its meandering roaming gait encompassing my life which will include some of what is detailed in PKnM but only in passing and probably when it’s funny, which it often is given I am not only the woman who can fall off a static bike but who can try valiantly to stay on so much so that she takes the static bike with her in free fall and now has one handlebar and strut to definitely prove one large woman plus wall and floor are more than a match for mere metal:0)

A.P. is my way of finding things out for myself which I have discovered through this technology others often enjoy finding out too, it is place where I really do talk to myself but with the awareness that others can and surprising do look over my shoulder to see what I have written.

I don’t think I could ever be one of the blogger’s who asks questions and expects answers from their readers; for a start I don’t think I could stand the obvious silence that would ensue but more because any question I do pose here is usually from a mind to a heart and visa versa and both are my self waking my self up. That others do offer me a nudge, answers, comments, points of view other than my own is always a surprise but one I see as gift to be treasured.

My daily life does not depend on outside feedback – if it did it would have ground to a halt a very long time ago. My daily life does not depend on feeding on other peoples energy ideas or skills, though it does borrow from all of those so as I do not blog in a vacuum, this is not my job, a stepping stone to a new career – well not one I know of:0) or anything but another ordinary activity which becomes extra-ordinary by being part of a small ‘ordinary’ life that is touched and touches other lives. It will carry on with or without feedback BUT by borrowing I understand that a return is always required. Hence my promise to myself that no matter how much any post I may place on this or any other blog might at first glance appear to be details of a train wreck there will always be reason to smile, breath deeply and maybe find that even midst the mangled lines and broken carriages a small daisy clings to the ragged soil it germinated in and I can share that along with the chaos.

Today’s ‘Daisy’ is a reincarnation which may make you smile, scratch your head or just finally decide this woman is a sandwich short of a picnic:0)

For those of you who have ‘known’ me for some time you may remember BOD, the wee chariot that got towed along behind my car. A mini fibreglass home for Mr Bryn and I to be able to go to the seashore or up in to the mountains or for that matter to a strange town knowing that a space was available for me to lie down, deal with my plumbing and even codge together a meal.

Eventually BOD just became too heavy for me to put on and off the tow bar so has converted brilliantly in to place for my other steed to rest, my full size three wheeled 21 gear bright pink bike is kept dry and safe in its locked confines waiting for me to don my fluorescent helmet and new legs:0) for pedal adventures – more of that in another post.

But in the last few weeks BOD II has arrived into the midst of this chaotic household and RnB and me have already found ourselves ‘trucking’. The car is gone to be replaced my a much more elderly vehicle but an elderly vehicle with less than half the mileage on its clock than on the car and a vehicle with grand attitude which I suspect may be added to in the days to come.

The whole change came about because it was meant, can’t think of another way to describe the series of events that found me at 8.30am one Friday morning trying to unravel the next puzzle of ‘THE man’ and by 7pm that evening being the bemused but somewhat thrilled owner of BOD II.

Here is your first glimpse of BOD II.

It is a Romahome HYLO, designated as a motorhome but don’t get any ideas of Winnebego dimensions, I’d say this wee home could fit in the boot of a winnebego:0). The word Tardis does come to mind when you open the back door into the home part as there is a two burner hob and grill, a small fridge with even smaller freezer compartment, a sink with flowing water if one wishes, lots and lots of storage space, two bench seats which can convert into a double or large single with still space to stand up, plus a over the cab space just made for two dogs to sleep:0) plus double glazed sliding/lockable windows with both net curtains – insect screens and black out blinds. It also has the capacity to be hooked up to an electric source so could as the former owner gleefully told me run a television and DVD and a hair dryer… strangely that was not the thing that impressed me. That there is a Porta-Potti was the most impressive thing for me of course ha-ha. Also it has a stand alone awning so when we three are not wild camping at the side of some road or other we can set up camp in quite some style.

In the picture above BOD II has its flat cap look, with a gentle push the roof raises so the head room becomes more than adequate for a living in situation. But, when driving it comes down and offers less wind resistance and more miles to the gallon in fact having been driving it for a couple of weeks now it looks as if it will get almost as many miles to the gallon as my car.

I know there will be those who think that getting rid of my car was a good move nullified by getting the van I know the arguments and do agree with many of them but disability and getting around in Wales do not go hand in hand especially when you do not live in one of the few cities we have in this country. Using any resource wisely and carefully seems as important as not using it at all and I cannot pretend that technology in all its forms does not make my life easier and more possible.

BOD II came along when I was also seriously considering something else which will entail three years commitment and quite a deal of intent to complete but seemed sign to embark on another year of ‘living dangerously’… one year at a time:0)

Living dangerously for me means trusting and becoming by being as actively engaged in living beyond what I might think is possible. No waiting for things to happen in some fug of bells and beads for me, but certainly waiting as in expecting so being ready for whatever the moment may bring. BOD II was a case in point if I had not been expectant or prepared I would have certainly missed the opportunity the moment presented me with even if I was totally unaware that I had been expecting BOD II to arrive:0)

Midst the twisted rails and broken carriages of this train wreck I call my life things still astound and thrill me from the arrival of a small elderly van to the look of determination on someone’s face who had been thought by many others about to close down for good.

The other ‘daisy’ that I glimpsed recently, still clinging to their rough patch of earth was this….

Just before ‘THE man’ heaved himself up and set off at some pace with walking frame to the dinning room. Isn’t possibility a mighty thing, even mighter when hope is attached:0)