ASYNCHRONOUS PROCESS

Still Smiling

Just a small note about the LONG silence here.

Yes it has been about ‘THE Man’ and it has been about my health but cannot say that silence here has been matched in day to day life and much has been found and celebrated midst the chaos and calamity of a life filled with life:0)

‘THE Man’ is still in hospital but not for very much longer as funding has been approved for his continuing care and I have managed to find a rather fine Nursing Home that will have a place for him in the very near future. The Nursing Home is appreciably much nearer to my home, which was a decision I wrestled with but felt on balance that it would be good.

Of course because of this final move, as I have carefully found a Nursing Home that is very pro this being 'THE Mans' home till final breath and can care for him with the sensitivity and professionalism required, his council house has needed to be cleared of 90 years of collected…. words do fail me at this moment but when I come back to posting I will tell of some of what I found. It took me 6hrs to reach the back wall of the very small cupboard under the stairs, which may give you some indication of what the job has involved.

Without the help of a dear friend who drove 800 miles to spend three days sifting sorting and taking much to municipal refuse facility I would still be there. As it is I should have been taking a break since last Saturday, a get away from it all time in a cottage at the end of a one vehicle track, off the grid, no phone reception etc. To spend time reading, snoozing, walking with RnB and sitting and playing with needles and mark making tools.

In fact I am quickly writing this on Tuesday morning after yet another long weekend of bodily and ‘THE Man’ delights BUT I am now about to pile all manner of bags and boxes – more for RnB than for me it seems:0) and make my way in to Mid Wales to disappear for four days. Only one person knows how to get hold of me and that will require me walking to the top of the mountain I am staying on or travelling out of the valley for four or five miles.

In the silence that has been this blog much thought and plans have been brewing in the head. Not that anything could be completed, sent by mail or even delivered by hand so anyone who is still waiting communication in whatever form from me please know I know and be a little more patient as it feels as if May might be a month when possibility is joined by actuality:0)

I am excited about the day, excited by the coming days and find each is found complete in the moment and the moment is where I stand alone but infinitely connected. Such joy can only mean I am alive which brings with it responsibility, exhaustion, frustration and despair but most of all it brings moments of blindingly wonderful happiness and for me that seems more than reason enough to smile.

Window Shopping

From a very early age I was introduced to the joys of window shopping with a sense that this was not second best for those who basically did not have the mythical brass pennies to rub together but was a pursuit to be studied diligently and with keen awareness of the various levels and nuances that brought laughter, fun, ideas and relief from the burden of having to open an already depleted purse.

I still love to look in shop windows, wander through large department stores touching, smelling and even from time to time trying on, wrapping round and plonking on head knowing the whole time there is absolutely no need or intention to buy. I drink in the colours, sounds, textures, smells and find I have bags full of goodies to take away with me, in my head.

I can shop, am known for my prowess in finding the bargain and do not dither about making a decision to buy when that is the reason I am standing there but wandering, looking, touching and just drinking in the ideas all around me in shop windows and interiors is the very best part of any shopping trip for me.

Failure?!

So where have I been, again, all the usual places, floor, bed, poised over u-bend, medical waiting rooms, armchair and places beyond place.

Anyone who has ever experienced even mild vertigo will understand that trying to sit in front of a computer and look at a screen was way beyond anything I might contemplate for more than a second at a time, just finding the floor to put my foot on was a major undertaking for some time. Couple that with a skeleton which was insisting it could crawl out through my flesh and a head that seemed to be on the verge of imploding or exploding from minute to minute with the added bonus of running nose that was not ejecting snot but blood plus a brain that could not quite cope with the simple act of commanding my legs to move but thought it would show willing and at least get something to move which left puddles and dampness aplenty this last few weeks have not been grand.

In the last week there has been progress but mainly towards yet more medical appointments / medical waiting rooms to sit in which were less than delightful, though did give me a laugh at the mobile mammogram set up, with me winning a wager hands down or should that be breasts up on just how many films the operator would have to use to get a full picture of my chest... very funny as she kept repeating the phrase 'You're very deceiving I can usually size people up as they walk in', just made me giggle as it reminded me of other times when clothes have been removed and I have got a 'gosh', ah those were the days:0)

Anyone reading this might remember I had begun ‘playing’ with a paperback copy of In Search of Adam, those few weeks ago, by first ripping it apart. Now, even as floors and ceiling seemingly spun plus ‘fabulously’ marched towards me threatening to squash breath and any sense of life out of me, ripping pages out of a book seemed almost cathartic though often an addition to messy bed was also noted:0)

Better

When someone says to me ‘Hope you’re feeling better’ or ‘You not feeling the best?’ I internally wince and often either fall silent in that ‘well, what am I to say to that!’ way, or if it’s someone who is friend they will get raised eyebrows and a wry smile if they are lucky if not the withering ‘oh don’t be so fucking daft’ stare followed by laughter at both our foolishness and our friendship.

When I got an email from someone who reads this blog, contacts me hardly at all in any way usually, then tells me they’ve been keeping up with my life through this place because they really think of me as a dear friend and love me lots but have I forgotten or am I not feeling the best because there’s been no post about ‘the book’… I take a very deep breath feel the sadness and then move on.

I still wonder how someone who has known me face to face over my kitchen table, walking up hills and falling in rivers, sitting quietly drinking in a painters work in a gallery, watching a film or laughing so loudly as to stop all other diners in a café talking can so easily think friendship is about no contact in my way of thinking and secondly think they are ‘keeping up with my life’ through this or any other blog.

Icebergs and my Blogs have a great deal in common, the third on the top is what you see if you sail past at a distance but the other two thirds is where much of my life exists and is lived and that will only be found by letting down an anchor and being up close and adventurous in actually reaching out and at least touching the area below the surface with a smile. That it might be cold reception, dangerous and life changing is a factor:0) but there’s beauty and wonder aplenty that is there for the sharing too but that of course takes time, commitment, lots of resilience and stamina but that’s just what friendship is about me thinks.

Secrets, Understanding and Gorilla's

Days pass, often with no sense of having been part of them or 'better' still that they have conspired to transform me in to millions of tiny fragments so miniscule as to be lost to any human eye including my own.

It's been a time like that lately and I will not say that desperate, despair, disgust and depression have not all been words not only known about but felt molecule deep, BUT, ah that magical word, there has been time for delight, dreaming, desire and destruction!

Now, which one will I tell you about… ah well it has to be destruction, always start with a positive:0)

In this case the destruction has much to do with delight dreaming and desire so if I tell you about that you’ll know about the rest.

But first to a secret, or many secrets. By this time you have downloaded the free e-book Disraeli Avenue haven’t you…or it’s in the top 5 of your to do list by the end of this week:0) So whilst you are about it join in the fun, freedom, thoughtfulness and share a secret or two or three.

Below you’ll see a box – I hope, technically I am trying to follow someone else’s expertise and boy can I mess that up. However, I will believe it will appear so here are the instructions – hey it took me a long time to work out what I was supposed to do so maybe there are others, I can hope. You’ll see that there are white letters saying “TELL US YOUR SECRET” in the right hand corner of the dust jacket front of Disraeli Avenue, Click on these words and they will disappear, you then type in your secret and at some moment you or anyone is not expecting there it will be a flash on the screen, told and set free to connect and open another window in a dark room for yourself or someone else.

If you click on the white letters that say…’about Disreali Avenue’ that will take you to Caroline Smailes web site page that not only gives you details about the e-book and download but also a link to make a donation, nudge nudge wink wink, to ‘one in four’.

Love is meaning and motivation

February 14th is day of hearts, flowers, chocs and good intent... well that's what the ad men will be selling:0)

What better day to stop for a moment and give love to a stranger who could be that man or woman who smiled at you this morning as you hurried to an appointment, ran with the dog or sat quietly on a park bench with your thoughts.

That strangers smile was about communication... hello I'm human too it said and for a moment, that fleeting moment your heart made connection and echoed I am human too. You may not have noticed it, might have tried to push the feeling away but the awareness will have seeped deeper than you may ever know but will find always understand.

I am writing this before I set off early once again for a trip across the mountains, I will not be bearing hearts, flowers or chocs but I will be bearing a smile, one that I hope and wish will convey the simple message 'I am human too' and communicate that human equates with love in my personal spelling dictionary.

It is the most deadly weapon known to human kind, a loaded smile, which I may haphazardly seem to fire off indiscriminantly but the truth is each smile is a concious effort. Don't believe the thing about it taking less muscles to smile than to frown so smilers are just inherently lazy. On a purely physical level maybe I'll own up to that but on an energy, centre deep of me, smiling is huge effort and commitment, it takes energy, intent, courage and accepting the fear and fundemental rejection that can and will be part of offering a smile.

But the thing is, smiling is not about me it is about something far bigger and far more precious than one small human being it is about connection, it is about communication it is about light and most of all it is about love. The link that finds echo in any human heart recognised or not when another human being smiles at them.

On this 14th of February if you have sent a card, proffered a flower, shared a chocolate be glad but you know what I think the greatest thrill, the biggest gift, the meaning reason and joy of a smile can be discovered when it is offered to a complete stranger.

Instead of a smile in the shape of a card, flower or chocolate I am suggesting that you smile as you put your hand in your purse and give the cost of a bunch of flowers or half a dozen bunches of flowers to the rather wonderful idea coming to fruition through the publication of an e-book.

Spring stirs

Pause

Record

Reflect

Move On....

Five words for the moment, five words to approach creative activity be that making soup, digging a flower bed, hanging washing out, laying colour down on to paper, holding someones hand with care.

Five words for life and the living of it for as long as there are moments in a lifetime.

Boing

I have sat regularly by THE man’s hospital bed since my last post finding this week calls to come quickly echoing in my ears meaning sleeping on his sitting room floor on Tuesday night because of ‘logistic’ problems – I’ll tell you the story maybe one day, it was funny if not exactly comfortable or meaning any sleep.

Finding sustenance in walks in the rain and momentarily in bright sunshine between easing another's agitation and fear.

Yesterday, having been sworn at spat on and ignored with a vehemence that made the air sizzle, whist witnesses stood there with mouths agape, I knew he was still not well as he is usually so careful to instigate his tirades against me when others are not present, but also knew he was appreciably improved on the days before when he acknowledged no-one and refused to take even a sip of fluid.

Tock

Time as you may have gathered has been slow here of late, though some of that time has been far too speedy for a woman with dire vertigo and a need to get through a doorway rather than slam into the wall as she tries, vainly on too many occasions, to get in to the 'worship' position in front of the 'u-bend goddess'.

There was an extreme escalation in the vertigo stakes which left me clinging to what I hoped was the the side of the mattress and not a pillow pushed to the floor or some such. A combination of a frantic flushing of the stomach for an elongated period, a throat pushed beyond sore to rip, a wee opportunistic bug that liked the look of that raw delight and the consequent other delights of infection added to the usual delights meant the clocks on this blog have ticked on without my eye upon them.

Midst it all came phone calls from hospital informing me of 'THE man' and his various mishaps, downturns, upturns and all in between.  Making decision not to be taken there or to even contemplate driving there myself, as he certainly doesn't need another complication to his health situation and neither do the other gentlemen on his ward, was clear cut for me and accepted and thanked by the staff who like me saw the danger of an infected relative adding to others burdens by showing how much they care.

I say this as already since 'THE Man arrived there, there have been two major outbreaks of infection brought in quite clearly by relative who had everything to prove to the staff and anyone else who they could reel in to their moment of selfless care. On both ocassions the quiet watchful man in the bed at the end of the ward stayed out of the way of the infection thankfully but he is now even more vulnerable so I did not even contemplate the trip to test his resilience again.

Tick

Another clock in the sidebar.

I have always been fascinated with time and its telling but don't wear a watch by choice. I do use a small clock in my bag that has an alarm setting to remind me to turn round when out on a walk, to take medication and sometimes to make excuse to leave a meeting, cough.

In truth I tell the time by looking at the day, the sounds of sparrows gathering for their afternoon squabble and chat, the owls first hoot, the robins morning welcome, the rising and setting of the sun, the insistence of RnB or Flo that it's meal time and all the small insignificant, supposedly, markers that make up my moment by moment day. Seconds minutes and hours rarely impinge on my life, though I do wish to be aware of others needs and these are often linked to a clock also my needs coincide with that ticking from time to time but clock watching as a need is not something I feel.

However, I love the possibilities that can be a clock face and ways of gauging time created by human hand so finding ways to add such things here amuses me and makes me consider just how creative I really am with my time.

Not the degrees printed on a clock face but the degrees written on my heart.

I was once told  I was one of the most ambitious people someone had ever met, I was aghast at such a thought as ambition is a word I have never really fallen in love with or at least not the interpretation I had heard given for its existence. However, seeing the look of shock on my face the person quickly explained that they saw it as totally positive that I embraced every moment of my living and lived it as if my continuing depended on it.  That sounded a bit frantic and manic I thought but I was assured it was as much about sitting with my feet dangling in a river when others had thought I would attend a meeting as cramming activity upon activity. It was that standing waiting for a bus or a person to arrive I would write a card to someone or write notes of an idea, solution or problem in notebook I always carry, read a book or really watch the world go by.

Involved was the word I would have used and probably would still use even though the involvement is slower and far more on the margins of my or anyone else's time I still have the sense that being creative with my time is all about heart not science..