Walking Away

I have been surprised by this ‘blogging experiment’ I have been undertaking for quite some time now. As a tool it has proved to be a way to engage me in activities I would not have even entertained let alone participated in as far as technology and gizmo’s are concerned, it has helped me remember stuff, explore others stuff and discover even more stuff but frankly the stuff is stuffed and I am walking away.

I’m walking away as I have done throughout my life with no regard to packing up and taking everything with me, stuff can be acquired in this life almost at the speed of breath:0) If anyone trips over the pile of stuff here and in the other ajoining ‘rooms’ and finds some use for something, help yourself. Things will stay here till some time when they are not.

As I wrote the post below I felt as if I might have just posted my last post at the blog and I feel that more strongly today.

One of the striking, quite amazing things that has happened during this ‘blogging experiment’ is the people who didn’t just stop and stare – I’m used to that:0), but those few who said hello. Such a gift made all the more special by it being unexpected.

A woman could get used to people saying hello.

However, I have come to understand that the unfathomable multi layer, intricate weave of many of my posts made saying anything almost impossible for anyone who was daft enough to read to the end as they would be so stupefied and dumfounded by the sheer audacity of the woman who tried to understand through words that they just stepped back quietly hoping not be caught sight of.

Interesting this understanding, makes so much more sense of personal interactions that have always been a puzzle to me. The kind that illicit silence as major response along with nervous laughter, the ‘ oh my brain is too scrambled to give you response at the moment I’ll get back to you when I’m in better place’ response – which translated reads - ‘what are you on! where DO you get such unfathomable ideas from, can’t you just make me laugh if I just go silent we can pretend you never said that’.

Trouble is, making people laugh is party tricks and blowing up balloons, which comes as second nature BUT blogging has found me discovering for sure that I fundamentally and profoundly need to breath out expression of complicated, half cocked, unfathomably dense and layered thought and just wish I knew how to say it all with an ironic smile which made people feel safer. Then to do that I suspect one has to feel safe oneself and safe is never a word I’d use for my place in the world.

So thank you to those of you that stopped, stared and said hello. That didn’t make me laugh it made my heart smile in surprise at the recognition.

The camera will still be used and at the end of the year the Four on Friday project I set myself will possibly find its way on to the web somewhere. I’ll continue to scribble unfathomable posts to myself but maybe now I will use them for their best function, making spills for the stove in the sitting room.

Moment by moment, thought by thought, breath by breath; kind of special looking up and seeing stars and being reminded this spec is part of all that. The animation might make no sense generally but to this heart and mind that’s all I have that makes any sense as I watch another sun rise and know it continues. Love.

Comments

[Stray]

will miss you x

[Cathy]

I'll miss you too - often you have enlightened me, amused me and tunneled into my psyche. Not bad for a "blogging experiment". Because of this, I nominated you for the "Thinking Blog Award".

[Cathy]

" . . . . pile of stuff . . ." I can not imagine a poorer description of what has gone before in these pages. I know you were winking when you wrote it, but it's so painful to even imagine that you could have ever thought so. Glitter, grace, love, laughter, longing, sharing - Love - that is what I found here. That is what I'll miss.

Warm hugs and Love . . .

[Natalie]

I'll miss you too, Winning DaisyFred. I understand how you feel but I'm so glad I got to meet you, if only in cyberspace, for a little while. Thank you for your beautiful thoughts and most of all for your kindness and encouragement. I hope that whatever the future has in store for you, it is warm and sunny and joyful.