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Walking Away

I have been surprised by this ‘blogging experiment’ I have been undertaking for quite some time now. As a tool it has proved to be a way to engage me in activities I would not have even entertained let alone participated in as far as technology and gizmo’s are concerned, it has helped me remember stuff, explore others stuff and discover even more stuff but frankly the stuff is stuffed and I am walking away.

I’m walking away as I have done throughout my life with no regard to packing up and taking everything with me, stuff can be acquired in this life almost at the speed of breath:0) If anyone trips over the pile of stuff here and in the other ajoining ‘rooms’ and finds some use for something, help yourself. Things will stay here till some time when they are not.

As I wrote the post below I felt as if I might have just posted my last post at the blog and I feel that more strongly today.

One of the striking, quite amazing things that has happened during this ‘blogging experiment’ is the people who didn’t just stop and stare – I’m used to that:0), but those few who said hello. Such a gift made all the more special by it being unexpected.

A woman could get used to people saying hello.

However, I have come to understand that the unfathomable multi layer, intricate weave of many of my posts made saying anything almost impossible for anyone who was daft enough to read to the end as they would be so stupefied and dumfounded by the sheer audacity of the woman who tried to understand through words that they just stepped back quietly hoping not be caught sight of.

Interesting this understanding, makes so much more sense of personal interactions that have always been a puzzle to me. The kind that illicit silence as major response along with nervous laughter, the ‘ oh my brain is too scrambled to give you response at the moment I’ll get back to you when I’m in better place’ response – which translated reads - ‘what are you on! where DO you get such unfathomable ideas from, can’t you just make me laugh if I just go silent we can pretend you never said that’.

Trouble is, making people laugh is party tricks and blowing up balloons, which comes as second nature BUT blogging has found me discovering for sure that I fundamentally and profoundly need to breath out expression of complicated, half cocked, unfathomably dense and layered thought and just wish I knew how to say it all with an ironic smile which made people feel safer. Then to do that I suspect one has to feel safe oneself and safe is never a word I’d use for my place in the world.

So thank you to those of you that stopped, stared and said hello. That didn’t make me laugh it made my heart smile in surprise at the recognition.

The camera will still be used and at the end of the year the Four on Friday project I set myself will possibly find its way on to the web somewhere. I’ll continue to scribble unfathomable posts to myself but maybe now I will use them for their best function, making spills for the stove in the sitting room.

Moment by moment, thought by thought, breath by breath; kind of special looking up and seeing stars and being reminded this spec is part of all that. The animation might make no sense generally but to this heart and mind that’s all I have that makes any sense as I watch another sun rise and know it continues. Love.

The L Word

So, why another long silence…. Maybe you’ll find out in this post but this is going to be one of my ‘real’ streams of consciousness I suspect, so, if you want to come along for the ride get a cup or glass of something you enjoy and sip slowly, breath gently and forget about meaning or sense and maybe we both may feel what I’m saying:0)

There is an old phrase ‘words come cheap’ and I understand it to be about actions promised with half a heart, very little engagement of brain and even less of intent.

I have difficulties with words, both those offered to me by others and those I try to find for myself.

Morning Moments 1,2,3

The three small clips held in the posts below were taken earlier this morning, just as the light was really making itself known in the valley, around 6am.

The camera work leaves something to be desired, the operator hasn’t a clue what she is doing:0). But the welcome to the light is fractionally caught and that seems rather fine to me.

It is such moments that reinforce the sense of delight and wonder I discover each new day, the utterly unbelievable gifts right there at my back door given freely and consistently. How fortunate I am has no need to be mentioned or underlined but here each morning I get an underlining full of joy and life and dare I say it love.

The birds chorus is one that rips through the valley like a star careering to Earth transformed into energy and encountered by a heart.

I live in a crowded busy valley in Wales but on a morning such as this I know I live on a bounteous, beautiful and breathtakingly generous place called Earth and I am not ashamed to say I give thanks each morning for life offered so freely and accepted too often with only a passing nod.

The mornings give me a moment to say thank you but more than that they give me a moment to remind my self that moments are precious and are all I may stand in. That anything I ‘achieve’ in a day is but a moment and will pass as quickly as it came but Earth Stars and Sun give signs and wonders beyond knowing or understanding but an open heart and mind may receive them standing on a small piece of the Earth on an Early Sunday morning.

Moment 1 – 6am looking from kitchen door up the valley
Moment 2 – 6.05am looking from kitchen door down valley
Moment 3 – 6.15am looking around part of the garden from wee summer house verandah
Do have your speakers turned on or you'll miss the stars of the show:0)

Morning Moment 3

Morning Moment 2

Morning Moment 1

Four on Friday (15)

A moment in my garden when awareness of spring arriving and filling up the senses with light. I have two of these shrubs in my garden and both beckon as beacon towards the longer days of light and the promise of the multitude of blooms and buds to come through the rest of spring and summer. In the brightness of a memorably warm clear blue sky day these small vibrant flowers caught my eye on a Friday afternoon and I was glad. It's a quince if you were wondering.

Always

Often when I catch glimpse of the wonders that the Earth places before my eyes so freely I am overcome in wonder and joy. This was so when I saw pussy willow buds waving in a stiff wind bringing promise of lighter days yet to come and new and perfect growth for the moment.

Looking at them closely is to realise their fragility and resilience and understand this is the dark and light in all life which will find meaning in its living especially when echoing the rhythm of the Earth where its life and impetus may be found and expressed in truth and the simplicity of being, which is the most complex realisation a human heart can engage with it seems to me.