Always

Often when I catch glimpse of the wonders that the Earth places before my eyes so freely I am overcome in wonder and joy. This was so when I saw pussy willow buds waving in a stiff wind bringing promise of lighter days yet to come and new and perfect growth for the moment.

Looking at them closely is to realise their fragility and resilience and understand this is the dark and light in all life which will find meaning in its living especially when echoing the rhythm of the Earth where its life and impetus may be found and expressed in truth and the simplicity of being, which is the most complex realisation a human heart can engage with it seems to me.

The days continue to process at a greater speed than I can keep up with in any sense that others who have lives engaged in family, job, hobbies, social life and lots of etc’s would probably find hard to understand if they were to measure my ‘seeable’ activity against theirs. There is lots of activity going on in brain and heart and sometimes even with hands.

Major decisions need to be made in the coming few weeks regarding how and where I live, what more risks can I manage to take on without crumpling in to heap, will I and my four legged companions run off to join the circus or will life expand and broaden from this rather decrepit base both physical body and physical space at present.

I have no answers as yet but huge number of questions – nothing new there then :0)

But as I sit typing I look up and see a slip of paper fixed to the frame around the monitor – this is no flat screen household, and it has these words written on it –

“If you always do what you always do, you will always get what you always get”

Now, I think I found that in a place that presumed it was not a good thing to always do and always get but I have suspicion that this must depend on what depth it refers to. Ok if its about surface stuff then maybe change and alteration is good - not to have your feet wet standing in the same puddle yet again- filling the hole walking a different route etc might be more productive or even profound.

However, on another level, deep within myself it is just when I stop or forget to always do what I always do that the sense of loss is overwhelming and the yearning for what I always get / receive wakes me to the fact I have somehow stopped doing what I always do.

I’ve missed my quiet hours in the morning for too many weeks, much to do with the ‘noise’ the body has been making but as much in me letting that be a distraction when the silence peace and strength is way beyond any kind of ‘noise’ that a day or body can throw at me. I just have to continue to do what I always do and I will always get what I get.

So mornings of silent beginning, words read, written and heard in heart are means for decisions to be made and steps forward trod.

April 2007 seems to be the month I need mark in heart and mind as time of change, challenge and consistency in the always doing what I always do and expecting-demanding-seeking-knowing, I will always get what I always get if I stand firm with open hand and heart listening through small days in a hugely extra-ordinary life ... my life; full of gifts and wonders, overflowing with ideas and dreams and totally engulfed in light even in the darkest moment and understanding little but knowing everything beyond knowing.

Comments

[Mary Beth]

I haven't been reading or writing much lately. What a joy to find you again, and to resonate with your thoughts so well expressed.

[Cathy]

April is moving so fast. Change comes tumbling like a swollen brook - our feet are wet. Do we stumble forward or turn back to the known? This was lovely and poignant DW.